『腹筋とインセンティブのパラドックス』
- 2025.04.16
- 月刊芳美
『腹筋とインセンティブのパラドックス』
ある日、42歳独身・在宅勤務歴3年の田中啓介（たなかけいすけ）は、洗面所の鏡の前で、ふと自分の腹部に注目した。
「うむ……これは……記憶の中の腹ではない」
それはまるで、深海に生息する未知のゼラチン生物のように、ゆっくりと、しかし確実に重力に屈していた。啓介は決意する。
「やろう。今こそ腹筋運動を。令和の夜明けに、俺の腹に夜明けを」
初日は快調だった。3回やって息が上がり、5回目で「これは効いてる」と確信。翌朝、腹部が悲鳴を上げる。
「ふふ……これが……成長痛か……？」
しかし、その痛みは彼の“努力した感”を強烈に演出し、啓介は「これぞ人間の証」と妙に感動した。鏡の前で見た腹は、昨日と1ミリも変わっていなかったが、彼の脳内ではすでに8パックに割れていた。
数日後、啓介は気づく。
「……これってまるで、人生で何か新しいことを始めたときと同じじゃないか？」
最初は痛い。周りに言えば「今頃？」と笑われる。成果はすぐ出ない。でも、数日後にちょっとだけ“何か”が変わる。
それは腹か、気持ちか、世界の見え方かはわからない。
「つまり、腹筋とは哲学……！」
そうつぶやいた瞬間、彼は足を滑らせてこたつに激突した。軽い打撲とともに、彼の腹筋チャレンジは終焉を迎える。
しかしその翌朝。なんとなく、ズボンが少しだけ、ほんの少しだけ、緩く感じたのだった。
🔥
“The Absurd Quest for Abs”
Meet Kevin Thompson.
Age: 42.
Occupation: Remote Software Engineer / Occasional Snack Philosopher.
Relationship Status: It’s Complicated (with his fridge).
One fateful Tuesday—because every life-altering decision happens on a Tuesday—Kevin catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and whispers:
“Sweet baby Jesus… who is this marshmallow with a beard?”
It wasn’t a six-pack.
It was a family-sized value pack.
An emotional support belly.
Fueled by a sudden existential crisis (and two Red Bulls), Kevin decides to reclaim his abs. Or at least locate them.
“I’ll start with some crunches,” he announces to his cat, Mr. Pickles, who remains unimpressed.
He does five.
Well—four and a half.
Okay, three, with sound effects.
The next morning, he wakes up feeling like he got hit by a truck driven by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson himself.
“Pain is just weakness leaving the body,” Kevin mutters, limping to the coffee maker.
Mr. Pickles stares at him like, ‘That weakness ain’t leaving, bro—it’s nesting.’
But the soreness gives Kevin hope. A twisted, masochistic hope.
He begins philosophizing.
“This… this is just like life. You start something new. It sucks. You suck. People laugh at you—if they even notice. No rewards. But eventually, your pants fit better and existential dread hits softer.”
He updates his LinkedIn to say:
“Aspiring Fitness Influencer | Core Philosopher | Crunch Enthusiast (Beginner Level)”
By week two, Kevin is doing 10 crunches. Almost consecutively. He even watches a YouTube video on intermittent fasting while eating a bag of Cheetos. Progress.
But just as Kevin starts to believe in his abdominal redemption arc, tragedy strikes: he sneezes mid-crunch, pulls a muscle, and blacks out for 3.7 seconds.
The universe speaks.
“Kevin… this isn’t about abs. This is about… learning to love the belly you’ve been through stuff with.”
So he quits. Heroically.
And yet—one morning—he puts on his jeans and notices… a little more breathing room.
Not a six-pack. But maybe a polite four.
He smiles at the mirror, flexes gently, and whispers:
“You may not see abs… but what you’re looking at, my friend, is character definition.”
Mr. Pickles rolls his eyes. Again.
